Believe

I had a discussion with an atheist last night which was very different and a bit unsettling how I know it will limit and possibly end our friendship.

I'm still thinking about the exchange and my feelings about it. I believe that pure cold rational intellect has its place but I've discovered in myself that such a cold position cannot be consistent with my warm friendship.

I do not foist my beliefs on anyone and I am definitely not a bible thumper and I have real concerns with most organized religions. It was a stark sharp realization inside myself how much I realized I could never be close to an atheist.

a= meaning against

theism= meaning God

Anyone who is against the notion of a being or force or even beauty grace and truth above our human fraility is entitled to her own thoughts of course...

Atheists call themselves "Free Thinkers" but they do not have a lock on free thinking. They say they have a moral framework an ethical foundation and they say they are empathetic as part of their foundation. These are all good foundational concepts on how to behave and interract with others.

For me, I believe in magic, I believe in grace, I believe in the miracle of truth, I believe in something greater than myself to aspire to...Cold crisp intellect can be a cop out as much as blind faith is.

I believe we each have THE journey to attend to and it is difficult and it will require all our faculties...intellect and emotion, intuition and faith and some things we have yet to experience but we will...

I feel that an atheist is on a different journey than I am...This person I spoke with said there is no hope and that it is a waste of energy to hope. How sad and limiting this is...

Any great discovery and breakthrough change man has made has come from the "spark." Great art, great music, even great science all touches this "spark"

I wish each and everyone renewed Hope and may you each touch the "spark" and lift others around you to Hope and Shine forever along their journey...

Hide and Seek

Longing to give, Longing to feel

Fragile, naive, without experience

Wanting you to choose me

Wanting you to take me

Find me

I'm already yours

Fae Dream

Wisps of fog and mist drift upon the surface of a lake

Looking out. Looking back. Reflecting.

Translucent veil of meaning insulating me

but I wait

Now afraid of the clearing breeze which will reveal

the looming shape of Truth on the distant shore

Blue Light

Sometimes we feel small

but we always have meaning

Sequoia

Take me to the tip of the tallest treetops and there tell me you love me as we look out as far as we can see.

Take me to the foot of the oldest living trees and there pray with them for our happiness together.

Oh how their love for the moon and stars has grown over thousands of years. The romance of every night sky nurtures their souls making time standstill for all eternity as they live forever.

Dying Passion

Drifting slowly away, gradually, slightly, even without discomfort. What is this incidious thief who takes all that used to be so wonderful? Little by little and piece by piece the magic disappears as if pulled gently apart until the tiny parts fade away into darkness unnoticed.

Passion's dying; ripped from the heavens; cast from the brilliance of stars. Falling alone and afraid. Slipping down through dirty cotton clouds posing as substance but offering none. Falling farther and farther away from its highest heights. Screaming in anguish then crashing upon dark wet rocks. Searing pain gives way to lifelessness.

Sharp gasp; hand clenching my breast steadying my heart; holding, seeking, hoping. Feeling the lonely drumming against the place that was once so full. Breath slowly escapes in a long thin wisp of a sigh. Is it too late? Is it gone?

There is such emptiness, but there is no pain in emptiness.

Sorrow creeps forward only in thought.

Using Time

Alone

Always Alone

Drifting

Using Time

Exploring

Dark Recesses

Lost

Without You

Buddha's got her back for me...

Several weeks ago I wondered and posted...

Can thoughts alone right the world?

Our thoughts are endless and create all reality but oh how wonderful and frightening this really can be. We must think openly with boundless freedom. We must think great things but dwell always on Goodness and Grace. We need to learn to cease negative thoughts and overlook the bad we might see in others. But also be careful and alert, and avoid toxic negative people.

Messages come to us in all manner and form if we simply open our eyes and heart. Yesterday, I saw this on the back of the T-shirt of a woman sitting in front of me...

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought.

The mind is everything.

What we think we become."

- Buddha

Righting ourselves in right thinking are the footsteps towards righting the world...

It's not what it seems

It's not what it seems
but the hurt you feel is real
It's not what it seems
but you left suddenly sad and angry

It's not what it seems
but you hide and cover your heart
It's not what it seems
but you feel hurt and mistrust

It's not what it seems
but you remember how you hate this feeling
It's not what it seems
but you begin to wound and bleed in pain

It's not what it seems
but you begin to close your heart again

Oh how I wish that everything I do will keep you strong and never hurt you. I want always to make you free, free to feel, free to explore, free to learn, free to grow, free to know love. I want always to be your sanctuary, your refuge, the strong fertile earth beneath your steps.

Feel safe and confident and take me with you to all your special places. Take me to the tip of the tallest treetops and there tell me you love me as we look out as far as we can see. Take me to the foot of the oldest living trees and there pray with them for our happiness together. Oh how their love for the moon and stars has grown over thousands of years. The romance of every night sky nurtures their souls making time standstill for all eternity as they live forever.

Lie with me in a bed of wildflowers and let us look at the heavens and feel the millions of sparkling diamonds against the black vastness of space. Take me in all the colors of splendor up to other worlds and let us make glisten the stars of their heavens as we smile softly looking into deep loving eyes mirrors of peace, calm, confidence, connection and contentedness. Millions of possibilities welling up inside us will always pour forth new experiences, new thoughts, new feelings, new understandings, fresh and vibrantly alive...

It's not what it seems
I am yours forever

Lovers Hour

I am the dragonfly that lights upon the moist flower
I am the smell of the forest mist morning shower
I am the sweet raindrop wet upon your lips
I am the rough lapping of the kitten's kiss

I am the gentle breeze swirling and lifting your clothes
I am the blood red petals fallen from a rose
I am the gasp of passion's sigh and memory's scent of musk
I am the song of the whip-poor-will from somewhere in the dusk

I am the moonbeam that lights your lover's path
I am the water warm and slippery in your evening bath
I am the feeling of your skin tingling swollen and taut
I am the tension and exciting rush of thought

I am the smile you feel from your lover's gaze
I am the gasp then racing heart from what your lover's says
I am the pull of hair gathered tight in your lover's grip
I am the firm bending kiss upon your wanting lips

I am the leather you feel binding 'round your wrist
I am the quiet trust you feel with each lover's twist
I am the stretched muscles in your shoulders; arms held fast behind
I am the glistening beads of sweat now dripping down your spine

I am the dragonfly that lights upon the moist flower
I am the timelessness of your lover's hour

Fleeting Moments

Flame flickers fragile against even the slightest breeze
Light glows sensual and warm but wobbles and waivers

Suddenly extinguished

A wisp of white smoke disappears into darkness

Wisps of fog and mist drift upon the surface of a lake
Looking out. Looking back. Reflecting.
Translucent veil of meaning insulating me but I wait
Now afraid of the clearing breeze which will reveal
the looming shape of Truth on the distant shore

We felt each other
We felt comfort
We felt peace
We felt safe
We felt grounded
We felt accepted
We felt cared for
We felt mercy
We felt grace
We felt kindness
We felt giving
We felt receiving
We felt alive

We stopped feeling
We began to think

All that was rich, thick and real
Instantly turned into wisps of mist and vanished
on the slight breeze

We felt sadness
We felt fragile
We felt flat razor thin
We felt empty
We felt alone

Oh precious fleeting moment
May you pass my way again and in my promise
I will be still and cherish your fragile flame

Revealing new meaning

Another fun wordle from my recent posts revealing new meaning:

Need Simple Living

Great Body

Thought Clouds

Give Love Now

Learn Everything

Pass Others Hope

Need Nothing

See Beauty

Create Beyond Life

World Friendship

Dark Clouds

Do not focus on dark clouds

Instead look at the beauty of the sun's rays

filtering down through them

We cannot see the sun's rays on a sunny day

Dark clouds are needed to reveal their beauty

Sighing softly...

Everything is perfectly all right

Always has been and always will be

Simply Untitled

Can thoughts alone right the world?

Our thoughts are endless and create all reality but oh how wonderful and frightening this really can be. We must think openly with boundless freedom. We must think great things but dwell always on Goodness and Grace. We need to learn to cease negative thoughts and overlook the bad we might see in others. But also be careful and alert, and avoid toxic negative people.

Does all the knowledge of the Shaman exist in a simple friendship? Can we truly learn how to give ourselves to others in real friendship? Friendship is love in action. What can we do to give others happiness and fulfillment? What can we do to give others peace and grace? Is anything other than this even worth our energies?

We all enter the world the same way coming into life from Life, never alone. We arrive through the body of our living mother and are part of her and part of our father. Mostly we are expected and welcomed in love but we are always part of everyone before us and will be part of everyone that will come after us when we have our own children. But we will die alone. Perhaps a loved one may sit or stand nearby, perhaps our death might even be expected and perhaps if there is great pain and suffering it may even be welcomed. However, we will not pass through the body of another living being, we will give up our own body and pass on in spirit bringing all our soulful experiences to another realm of opportunity and learning. We know not to where we will pass but we do know that in this world we will live on in the thoughts of others and we can live forever through those true gifts given here while living. Think now on those who have left a lasting impression in this world, many are those who have taught us how to live better lives with and for one another. Many have shown us great art giving us lifetimes of lasting hope and joy. All have been great teachers imparting truth and light long beyond their grave.

We find that we need each other to become larger than ourselves. We have learned to swim, to run, to fly all faster than any speed of this world with our boats and cars and planes. We have even learned to leave this world to travel in space and return again safe and sound. No other creature can do these things but we cannot do them alone. We need to live together, to learn together, to grow together.

Let us discover and rediscover the great men and women among us and those who have lived before. May we learn their message and live their dream even now as we see the unfolding message of the recent King. As he hoped, let us each be measured by the content of our character and live in this world now for things greater than ourselves for the end is death and death is weak, shallow and nothing, nothing at all...

Torrent of Blessings

Lift up your head to see, truly see all that is around you

Open wide your heart to feel,

feel outside yourself so you can feel others

Peacefully quiet your mind to hear and

listen to your feelings for understanding

Breathe deep the fragrance
Sweet honeysuckle soon blooms
Even now gardenia petals lay thick and swollen
Butterflies and Bees drink in a frenzied lust

Things needlessly difficult fall away and crumble into clouds of dust
Be gone all jealousy, worry, doubt, fear, selfishness and mistrust

Things exceedingly simple miraculously appear

with gentle grace and elegance

Refreshed wonders of Spring blossom into

the sweet romance of Summer

Oh the simple union of Faith and Hope

which brings everything into being

Joy and kindness, patience and charity,

acceptance and love emerge effortlessly

We must ignite the spark of beauty within us and

let flow the torrent of blessings

Longing for the Sweet Big Oh

This is the wordle from my sparse April posts. Sorry, but I couldn't resist noticing...

...Longing for the Sweet Big Oh...

Perhaps there might have been deeper meaning in some of my posts, but it took the wordle program to scramble it up and create some silly fun with perhaps more truth in it than I care to admit!!

Hee Hee

Missing You

(Tee by Nessy Shepherd)

Oh Sweet Lover
You Gentle Artist
You Passionate Poet
My Sweet Sweet Lover

Oh I Wish
Only for an Instant
Only for a Moment
To Just Close My Eyes

Breathing Deep
Holding it in Fullness and Hope
Thinking, Feeling
Longing To Be...With You

Oh Sweet Poet,
Oh Sweet Lover,
Oh How I Wish When My Eyes Open,
You Are Here...With Me

Alas, Breath Escapes
Slipping Away In a Sigh

You Live in My Mind
I Feel You in My Heart
It is There You Are
And will Always be...With Me

But I Miss You

Distant Silence

Off in the silent distance you watch a young woman moving through her life's lessons longing to find understanding seeking meaning and purpose. Sometimes she busys herself with mundane efforts or duties as chores to keep hurt and pain from absorbing her again.

Each new chapter of her book of life opens; rarely dramatically, mostly silently, hidden beneath the noise of the obvious waiting to reveal meaning gradually, slowly, carefully, oh so carefully as if a precious treasure to be found only when she might be ready to receive it.

You are curiously aware of her struggling, of her budding strength but notice more her weakness and few fleeting successes with constant challenges that strap her fast as ropes harnessed on so many points of her being. She sweats and strains to loosen that which binds her but always stops spent and exhausted relaxing against that all too familiar embrace.

You see her but watch with distant silence.

You blink, you breathe, you look away, you don't care, she has no meaning to you as you lose yourself in the noise of your obvious.

Precious treasures groan under the weight of another lesson lost, still hidden as the chapter closes knowing your next lesson will soon unfold as it always has and it always will.

Gobzillions

Gobzillions. Wow that must be a lot and far more than a whole bunch. I love that word, gobzillion. I heard it used by a radio DJ sometime recently and I had to say it out loud almost immediately. It is a really fun word and will probably make it into our daily speech just like gob did.

You know a whole gob of something means a lot more than a little. You know you need to gob on the sun screen especially after a long winter's paling. Ugh, the first season burn is always the most painful so you better use big ol' globs of sunscreen and gob it on real good.

Gobzillion is probably the number of rabbit, rabbit, rabbit wishes I've made each of these past month firsts. Welcome to April everybody... another 3Rabbit Day today with wishes for renewal, peace, beauty and happiness.

Why gobzillion? Well, if you take three new rabbits every month and let them mate with all the other prior month rabbits and keep doing this on every 3Rabbit Day as long as you can keep remembering... well you get it... you get to having gobzillions of rabbits and rabbit wishes for growth and happiness.

So I wish each and all of us gobzillions of blessings in this coming month and may we feel the wonderful blessings of Springtime in all its glory overwash whatever foolish manmade disasters we seem to have foisted upon ourselves. May we move away from the Fool and focus on what really truly matters and is important and take care of each other.

Love's Secret

Never seek to tell thy love,
Love that never told can be;
For the gentle wind doth move
Silently, invisibly.

I told my love, I told my love,
I told her all my heart,
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.
Ah! she did depart!

Soon after she was gone from me,
A traveller came by,
Silently, invisibly:
He took her with a sigh.

William Blake

Sigh. I only discovered Blake's poem last night but find I've glimpsed its meaning fleetingly through tear blurred eyes in past loves lost.

Love is mysterious and powerful, yet frail...Never reach for it when its nearby... Never cling to it, never define it, never even try.

Profess it cautiously and only by faint whisper with lips brushing your lover's ear... keep hope but always give love silently in thoughts and deeds; and always give away the things you need and hold most dear.

Blooming Flower

The gardner does not open the petals of the flower. The bloom unfolds as a gift for the butterflies and the bees. The flower is strenghthened by the gardner's love and the gardner enjoys the beauty of the bloom. But, the bloom is for more than the gardner. The bloom cannot just face the gardner because she follows the sun, drinking light's nourishment. The gardner must enjoy sharing the beauty of the bloom knowing the flower lives always in her garden, strong, happy and cared for with love.

Poet's Dream

You are the Poet

and

I am your Poem

Make me something Beautiful

From your Heart

From your Soul

From your Beautiful Thoughts and Feelings

Bring me to Life

To be Like You

Teach me to be the Poet

of Someone's Dream

Love is

(From Pegasus: Nessy Shepherd)

I long to
Mend the holes in your soul and
Pour love thickly warm
Giving forth completely for you, everything for you

You replenish me, refilling, recharging, giving pure energy
Souls dancing; souls connecting; souls growing with
Purity cleansed clean
Accepting that all is as it should be, all is as it is meant to be

Love is simple
Love is

Step forward in crystal pure hope
Accept the timing and rythm that is always there
Float in orbit - effortlessly dance in that direction
Find and feel your soul moving and
Skipping like the happy child in the fresh Spring sunshine

Love is simple
Love is

When we are young, angels dance with our souls
Life's dance of joys, fears and tears
Tilts our head in shame becoming ripped and torn

Lift up, fear not and keep undying hope
Angels will always repair the holes in our souls
so we can dance and dance again

Lighten Up and Move On

The gift of apathy is to become numb,
to release hope,
just laying there breathing with life diminished,
not caring anymore,
closing my stinging eyes,
closing that place in my heart you once owned and
finally sleep without dreams

I cannot help but feel the martyr, selfishly feeling sorry for myself in another realization of loss. Again I feel as if I've been sacrificed as an offering of commitment for another. It's a stupid feeling, very immature, very self-important and oh so very selfish. Why is it always about me? When will I learn truly to live for others?

Strangely, it seems I've been on the crumbling side of a string of triangles. I want to be curious about this rather than sad. Oh, sadness is there and slowly seeps forth if I let it but I am so tired and bored with all that - it has gone on long enough.

Life is and will always be full of triangles, some I've seen can be quite complex and entangled. Triangles form as we build new relationships. New friends have old friends. Old friends sometimes are current friends, sometimes old friends have moved on. This really is all so simple to understand yet as time and familiarity unfold, things can become complex as feelings emerge.

In the beginning of these new relationships, knowlege and understanding of each other is shallow and weak. Communication is guarded at best. Hearts are closed and cautious. Perhaps half truths are shared, but there is much withheld. There is a lack of trust. With hope, patience, effort and commitment, relationships can grow. Sometimes they don't and they become brittle and break.

What is the lesson here for me? How can I find some way to understand and accept that there will be others who choose different directions that they, in their hearts, believe to be best for them? Acceptance and growth or even just simple acceptance is what I need to learn.

Yes these things can hurt my feeling of self worth. Yes it can make me wonder what is wrong with me. Do I hope for too much? Do I have too many expectations? Am I trying to force things and in that find that I am repelling what I most desire? Is it simply not supposed to be? Is this karma for things I have done in my own triangles and in my own choices? Or am I simply in training to steel my heart?

I do not know the answers to these things - it's just Life; deal with it. Lighten up and move on.

Perhaps these are indeed lessons for me to continue to live with my heart wide open, for me to learn to accept with my love continuing for others, to accept what they believe in their own hearts to be best for them and truly support them in all their choices even if that choice no longer includes me.

I do not want to steel my heart. I do not want to close it to those I love. But this can be so very hard.

Lightening-up and moving on...

Beautiful Wings

In splendor and beauty,
she flutters about in random dances of happiness
Flitting from flower to beautiful flower she feasts on sweet nectar
Living full color in the sunshine even in darkness
Does she remember the pain of change?

Is the caterpillar sad as she spins her cocoon enclosing herself in a silk lined tomb?
All she knows is life amidst the bitter green leaves of a single plant
Will she die as breakfast for a swift bird?
Will she survive to die slowly in Nature's call to change?

She begins to understand the signs of change within her
She knows she must accept things as they are and change
She must become a chrysalis and make her beautiful wings

Yes, there is memory
Yes, there is beauty
Yes, there is truth, there is acceptance even without understanding

Joy and happiness follow far behind too slowly

Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit

"Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit," I mumble, my head still under the covers, trying this silly superstition as my first words on the first day of a new month. Clenching fervently I give forth a silent prayer for courage, understanding and growth.

This grand experiement I've been on, to live my life from my heart, has been difficult, extremely difficult. But you know something...? This has exercised my heart and I feel somehow confident that I've become stronger with a greater capacity to feel wonderfully good emotions and give more of myself to others.

It is hard.

Certainly there have been many times where such openness has caused pain. Sadly, this pain has not always been mine and I've seemed to hurt others. For that I am deeply sorry and if I have caused pain in anyone, please know it was the farthest from my intention of giving my heart in loving kindness.

Sadly we do not live enough from our hearts. It seems like it is improper and in some measure actually forbidden. We need a strong mind to overcome our emotions we are told. Have to brace yourself against letting anyone in too close. Need to avoid that pain even before it could have any remote chance of ever swallowing us.

Well I have resolved to live my life from my heart as much as I possibly can. I will always try to be responsible for my feelings and never let anyone or any experience close my heart. I believe with Truth that we are supposed to live this way.

I pray for courage to continue on this path and pray for the confidence to know that my coming experiences will unfold with deeper meaning and with more beauty than whatever has come before them.

Artemisia

A...... Always in All Ways Unfolding
R...... Reflecting on My Direction
T...... Toward New Insights

E...... Excitement and Refreshed Wonder
M..... Moments of Discovery
I....... Insights, Sometimes Intense and Frightening

S...... Silent Beauty that Screams Truth
I....... Inspiring Others through Devotion
A...... Artists

Bottled Dream

Bottled Dream.

I awake amidst a deserted open air market near a booth stocked with beautiful colored glass bottles of all shapes and sizes; short rounded bowls, swollen jars capped with shiny brass lids and tall fluted vessels in blue, yellow, red, green and violet sing as the breeze swirls past full lipped openings. The quiet silence yields to the soft melody, the wind’s voice bending around and over what it must to find expression and being.

I lift my gaze from the nearby booth and look far down the row of market booths seeing them almost tip into the sea clinging to the shoreline with distant silent flapping of white cotton curtains fluttering in frantic attempts to hold their balance. Hundreds of small pitched tents line the shoreline.

No one is there.

No one is here.

I seem to be standing near the last booth of the long market. I notice the colored glass overspills onto large flat stones dotting higher just behind the tent on what appears to be the beginnings of a steeper slope shouldering the land mass against the ocean. Fresh blue green foamed and salted air smells cool, fresh and clean. I breathe richly, bringing the air deep into my body.

Refreshed, I am drawn towards the large outdoor stones covered with shaped blown glass. I feel the breeze rushing about in invisible eddies becoming visible as it lifts my long dress feeling the material soft and thin brushing gently higher on my knees then lifting higher still to my thighs now fully exposed. I feel my body being softly caressed by the wind in its wanton self expression. I have the sudden urge to undress and be part of this beautiful sensual experience.

I leave my clothes in a soft crumpled pile on the ground against the side of the booth and continue forward to the stone tables beyond.

As I step away from my clothes, I become more aware of my outward nakedness feeling more openly exposed as I move further from the offered modesty of the market booth and the soft pile of clothing resting silently against its side. A sudden worry rushes forth but as quickly melts away as I continue forward. Anyone could see me taking this liberty of indulgence in my pure and simple nakedness as I wander about this Eden in an excited feeling of complete freedom.

I move closer to the glass covered stones feeling excited and vibrantly aware of my lucidity. It is then that I realize I am dreaming. Dreaming a dream I’ve had before which I have come to know quite well.

I touch the cool hardness of the stone granite sparkling in the sun’s brilliance. The bottles beckon me to touch them too. Lifting a tall slender vessel shaped in beauty, my hands clasp its thickness and feel its full weight warmed by the sun.

Closing my eyes, I bring the smooth glass to my body cradling it between my breasts feeling my heart beating a soft rhythm against the vessel. Uncontrollably, my hands move the glass down my body as the rhythm quickens. My legs weaken and I lean back against the stone table, the coolness of the granite touching hard against my bare skin. I begin to yield to a sensuous rush of feeling. Waves of expression build inside me trying to crest, yearning to crest higher, and higher still before beginning to tumble over falling and falling then crashing powerfully in deep gushing with quivering flows outward over spilling everything with intense feeling.

Gasping, I open my eyes breathing heavily. Now fully awake and feeling vibrantly alive in this world, I realize I am in my bedroom. I smile softly knowing I will dream that dream again and again until I learn its meaning.

Beautiful Hope

(Free: by Nessy Shepherd)

We had such a glorious December here with 24 of the days of the month in the 70's. I went to the beach and layed-out under the warm December sunshine several times over Christmas break. Feeling the warm sun against my all but naked skin is a beautiful sensual pleasure. I found that even with the sun at its lowest point in the sky it still softly worked up my tanlines, you know the ones where you cant help but look in the mirror and notice just how white your natural skin really is forming stark contrasts as if framing the special private places. Sigh.

Somehow I knew we would pay for such winter splendor and we certainly did in January and early this month in the form of several hard freezes, even at the beach. I was called down late one night to join the family in tenting our sensitive Florida plants bringing those we could inside the house. Before the call, I was warm and comfy wearing my pj's but I reluctantly donned a coat slipped into some Crocs, which offer no warmth I soon found out, and traipsed around outside bare legged for what seemed like an eternity moving the soft sensitive flora inside the house and garage. We covered what we could not move with a mixmatch of bed sheets and blankets and rushed inside to thaw out.

Well our efforts did save many of our potted plants but it seems we lost many things we thought could survive on their own but they became bruised, wilted and brown.

Much of this seems to parallel my personal experiences having met someone in December who was my warm sunshine caring for me deeply helping me feel stronger in a time when I needed that the most. It was special and will always be special to me. Sadly, the freeze did come and I've become bruised, wilted and brown.

The weather has again become beautiful here. As I move about, I cant help but hear the birds chirping and flittering about near me. These beautiful little angels again busying themselves with the repair of my heart. It is Spring to them and soon they will continue on their journey moving north as the sun moves higher in the sky.

I went to dinner with some friends last weekend. We went to a japanese steakhouse, the kind where you share a table with strangers. There was a young couple with their beautiful newborn baby girl seated at one end of the large table. They were quiet, probably exhausted from caring for this beautiful new little human being that was their recent blessing, but they seemed happy and content. I started to talk to them and they were nice people with fast smiles and direct and honest gazes. They told me their little girl was born on January 13 and it was their first child.

What I found out next raced through my soul in a rush of healing beauty... it brought tears to my eyes so much that I had to leave for the restroom...

They named their beautiful little angel...

...Grace

Forgiveness

Well it's Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit Day... that is the first day of a new month. The magic is supposed to work if the very first thing you say when you wake up is "Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit." If you do this, wonderful things will unfold for you during the month... Smiling softly.

Of course it is all about refreshing our thinking on things, being mindful of new starts and new hopes and new options. It's about living again with wonder and awe of even the slightest things which can have beautiful meaning.

I've been thinking for a long time about forgiveness; a very elusive concept for me to face. I've thought forgiveness meant that I had to face the other person and work through the pain we caused by apologizing for hurting each other. I've learned that this is not necessary because forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.

Forgiveness is within me. It is something I must do to rest peacefully and rise away from all the sadness that anchors me in darkness. Forgiveness is the only way for me to accept closure; to accept that the other person has moved on in happiness; to accept that in our love, happiness is what I wished above all for my lover. Heartbreak and loss can be quite selfish and I had lost sight of the love I had nurtured.

This song is about forgiveness. It is full of meaning and relates to all of our losses in love. It certainly relates to mine. Please listen to it again and please hear the lyrics. Please enjoy it and please forgive.

I forgive you for everything my love. Everything...

* * *

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLgUuHl2xJo

Don Henley » The Heart Of The Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear

But I knew that it would come

An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone

She said you found someone

And I thought of all the bad luck,

And the struggles we went through

And how I lost me and you lost you

What are these voices outside love's open door

Make us throw off our contentment

And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now

But I miss you sometimes

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter

But my will gets weak

And my thoughts seem to scatter

But I think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain

There's a yearning undefined...People filled with rage

We all need a little tenderness

How can love survive in such a graceless age

The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness

They're the very things we kill, I guess

Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms

And the work I put between us,

Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now

But I miss you, Baby

The more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter

But everything changesAnd my friends seem to scatter

But I think it's about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone

They let you down and hurt your pride

Better put it all behind you; life goes on

You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter

But my will gets weak

And my thoughts seem to scatter

But I think it's about forgiveness

ForgivenessEven if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter

Because the flesh will get weak

And the ashes will scatter

So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

On Patience

I have heard these things of patience and believe them to be true, but I find it so hard to keep my feelings from galloping unbridled and wild eyed always overtaking any sense of calm reason and simple acceptance. I believe patience and acceptance are things as simple as taking a breath or blinking an eye or beating one heartbeat. These things we do not force, yet why am I always so impatient?

I know we should all hope and dream vividly with great energy, but in our actions, we must accept and receive, do not overreach, do not take, do not force, do not try too hard.

I know anything we might obtain through actions that are forced with great effort, might reluctantly yield, however their existence will be fleeting. Most often if not always, such actions repel that which we seek.

I know things that come to us, which are accepted as gifts, are always more beautiful and long lasting. This does not mean giving up but just the opposite. We must continue to dream our dreams with hope and desire which is the only way to bring such beautiful things into our lives. However, we must remain calm, balanced and receptive in all our actions.

I know receiving gifts is our precious right and accepting gifts with grace and confidence is our verdant hope.

I know we must be at peace and calmly accept situations that seem, in their moment to be counter to our greatest wishes. It is exactly in those times that, through our calm strength and confidence, we have the most power to draw what we desire towards us. We must let flow what must flow steadily forth in its own rhythm in its own time.

I know that if we remain patient, our dreams will unfold naturally and beautifully in the time of their choosing. When they are received and accepted, and we reflect on their timing, it will have simply been perfect.

I know I must believe this with all my heart and soul and it will be so.

I know too that I must become a gift to others learning to always give myself selflessly with confidence and love.

http://www.crystalinks.com/patience.html

An Irish Blessing

Pathway into the Woods

Pulling, twisting, turning wildly in panic, the beautiful woodland nymph tries franticaly to free herself. Seeing the young woman approach on the trail leading into the forest startled her, and in her urgency to flee, she seemed to have caught the hem of her skirt on a nearby thorn. Each struggling effort further pins the beautiful magical creature to the thicket. "Oh no!" she exclaims freezing suddenly. In her commotion, the young woman notices her. "Oh please, please, please" the nymph pleads to the heavens. "Please don't let her hurt me," her once beauitful glow now fallen and ashen. She sits motionless frozen in fear.

* * *
I've had so many new experiences these past several weeks. It seems that with the many different thoughts and feelings, each day passes as if a week. Time seems to stand still as I race foreward in a manic rush for understanding and change. "Ah, these things take time to develop and unfold but I cannot deny my feelings surging forth from sudden loss and emptiness.

I seem to have bounced far past any sense of a mid point in my yearning to connect again with someone and need to find some kind of hand hold and firm grip to steady and find my balance again. It's almost like my soul is pinging around aimlessly and I need to find some way of slowing it down and find control.

I can now understand all too clearly why everyone keeps their options open while in one relationship always keeping a fall back position with another person, just in case. Just in case of what? Of course in case the current relationship starts to fail. Woe be it to those, like me, who let themselves fall in love so completely with commitment; eyes and heart locked on one person - simply not looking for any other options. The breaking of my heart and shattering of my soul is equally complete when ripped and separated from the other and love is lost, lost forever with that one true commitment.

In the beginning of this loss, I lay motionless, shocked and stunned in misbelief and denial, laying broken and crumpled, cast aside like a piece of useless trash in the dark emptiness. I lay there for a long time simply trying to breathe curled with my face pressed in a pool of cold tears. All my thoughts dark and lonely consuming me with feelings of deep despair and self doubt. Selfishly probing my loss, I become addicted to the full feeling of pain and suffering. Slowly but surely, leagues of angels search frantically and find me through grace, and unbeknownest to me, busy themselves with the repair of my heart. Survival finally draws me to a sitting position. With eyes swollen shut, I wipe them, trying to see the beginnings of some kind of resolve emerge in the darkness.

Thoughts with a Friend

(Colors: by Nessy Shepherd)

Being with a dear friend and listening to a melancholy song...

“Do you think they write tunes like this to make us melt our minds and move us to feeling? Maybe the ones that write this are very lonely people, so they make music like this to break free for a moment and touch others.” She muses.

Perhaps they use their pain to reach their Art. Sadly pain touches Truth and how I wish to find a way to reach Truth and Art without pain…sigh, not many do.

We do not see many truly happy people making or creating Art. Sadly without pain there is no Truth in Art. That’s how we learn of the "tortured" artist. Asylums are filled with true artists. I think on this world, we need pain to reach Art but I believe there are other worlds, like our concept of Heaven, where Art is around us always.

In our earthly planes of reality, we can experience Art and how it gives something back to us. The musician was able to soothe her pain through her Art. So we touch Art through pain and then return to comfort from the Art. We cannot understand it but we can accept it as a natural part of ourselves.

Sadly many people never feel enough to feel pain. They do not open their hearts beyond the point of being vulnerable to be fully exposed and then when they are dealt a painful blow, they are protected. Sadly, or fortunately, they cannot truly see Art and understand its many meanings.

You and I go too deep my dear poet. We love too openly going beyond vulnerability so when we are hurt, we bleed and bleed. Our tears are blood and our hearts weep. And then, only when we understand the pain of everyone can we be touched by Art as it was intended to be received.

Ah, but Pain is so overrated a friend of mine reminds me. There is hope and I wish to believe in hope and choose to live with hope. All Art is not created through pain.

G... Great Passion can create Art.
R... Real Love can create Art.
A... Absolute and True Happiness can create Art.
C... Concentration and Playful Intelligence can create Art.
E... Energy and Inspiration from Art can create Art.

And above all, Heaven is available to us in this instant, now, has always been, and will always be. We simply need to choose to seek its beauty in all things.

Heros

Just some thoughts on the plane that went down in the Hudson River yesterday...everyone survived, all 155 aboard. Looking at everyone standing on the wing waiting to board to safety made me think of the moments just before. I wondered how I would have reacted in those same critical and very few minutes.

A dear friend just the day before used the beautiful analogy of a soft cushion of air gently holding a falling leaf during it's descent to rest safely along with others on the forest floor. How prescient that might have been. Such a beautiful image brought forth from poetry perhaps served in some way in the safety of that landing.

Of course it was the skill, care and extreme positive energies of the pilot that truly brought everyone down safely. I read today that the pilot life's focus has been on safety and his studies on how crews react in crisis. It was as if by plan he was the pilot, and by grace, safely landed the plane in a place where it was designed not to land.

The pilot and the crew are heros but so too are those aboard the plane that chose to keep their head and their hearts and not give in to panic.

Would I have taken the hand of the stranger next to me and given him or her a gentle squeeze and looked into their eyes and said with mine "It will be OK, we will make this OK" or would I have been gripped with fear, frozen and unable to think clearly? I truly do not know how I would have acted.

I believe there were many people aboard that plane who chose to stay calm, giving and helpful. These were people who knew this was perhaps their last chance to make a positive difference in the life of another. There were others who experienced their kindness, some perhaps not believing another, through grace, could remain calm and helpful but accepted it nevertheless.

Everyone, absolutely everyone, survived; and everyone is changed, changed forever.

Love Triangle

Love Triangle

Like a beautiful perfect shell found on the beach at low tide, we met by chance and discovered deep purpose in each other. I loved you for giving me hope through your kindess. Sigh, we are never truly alone and you found love in another while also nurturing your love for me. Our triangle stood for a while until it could no longer. Like piled and shaped sand on the beach, the tide rose, overwashing then pulling the form back into itself leaving little trace of it ever being there.

Saddened, I've continued on life's journey onward towards other experiences, other triangles intertwined and connected hoping Pain loses track of where I am. Perhaps I will recognize its familiar face as it gives me a friendly nod and allows me some forewarning before devouring me again.

Angels Among Us

Written Dec.15.2008
I need to write about my "Second Life" experience this past weekend and how special and important it was to me. The effort of writing helps me put a lid on my overwhelming emotions. I think this is because writing uses my mind, which although weakened and battle scarred, remains a fierce warrior always willing to push out selfish emotional pain as I try to make some sense of things.

Please know what I will share is a wonderful beautiful experience of growth and understanding bridging from pain and loss. However, before I can write about this understanding, I should poke the fresh ruins and rubble laying scattered about my heart to share the background of this. This will bring forth tears and sadness again which have become an unwelcomed but familiar presence to me these past few weeks and months.

I have never before experienced such deep sadness over the ending of a relationship as I have since 12/01/08 when it became clear and final. It has only been through reconnecting with my close friends and opening myself to discuss my pain with others that I've been able to see things in this hurt and sadness.

I've searched heartbreak on the internet over and over again and read many blogs and comments from others. I have come to accept there is no magic cure for this except the hard effort needed to keep going. Going? Going where? I imagine it is keeping on our life's journey towards some next experience which I have no choice but to accept. I accept that the only thing that will heal my heart is the passage of time. I am told to take one breath after another, blink one blink after the other, beat one heart beat after another.

Apparently time is the cure but it is also the painful medium of emptiness and complete loneliness. No other person can heal me and this frightens me. My heart feels broken open with a longing to connect to the heart that was ripped away from it. The true sadness is the knowledge that that other heart will never connect again, never again.

I have thought and prayed for a reason for this pain. Why do we go through it? Why does it hurt so deeply? My faith has always been a source of understanding and I accept that there is order and meaning that one day I will understand, when I'm ready.

I have been blessed with knowing a wonderful person. She has talked with me for hours selflessly listening to my selfish ramblings. I have really tried to listen and understand her teachings. She has helped me realize that there is a path through my darkness and loss; a way out of the woods back to beauty and love. The path is narrow and difficult but it can be walked only through the magic of helping others with true empathy selflessly.

In my life right now, this path is becoming clearer but it is still quite thin and covered with the strewn debris of my still selfish sense of personal loss. I have a beautiful clear belief and vision that my friend's personal path must be wide and clear as she walks arm in arm with many people leading them out of their woods towards hope, beauty and love. My gratitude for her friendship and gift of bringing me the knowledge that heart break opens my heart for greater capacity to love, understand, and help others is beyond my ability to communicate.

OK now all that being said, there is wonderful magic unfolding in my life experience if I keep on the path. (I was wondering when I would be able to finally get back to the whole point of this writing...)

Almost the instant that I was able to make the connection that through helping others I help myself, I met a wonderful caring guide and new friend. She was such a beautiful spirit who quickly gave her precious time and energy to me friending me early and touching my heart instantly.

The magic started to move into my life in the form of happy beautiful opportunities.

I have a dear friend, Galaxy Girl, who invited me to attend a party announcing the Winter issue of her Galaxy Girl magazine. Galaxy's parties are so fun and wonderful and I had planned to try to get out of my moping sadness and attend. As fate would have it, I did not get there in time to get on the sim as the region was full. I tried repeatedly and finally made it on.

The party was fun and vibrant. I danced and read the issue of the Galaxy Girl magazine on display. A nice person, Cory, began to speak with me since she saw me in the group chat earlier asking for the landmark. It was not until later did I realize how important this chance meeting with this person would become. Angels abound if we accept and notice them.

Happily I saw my new friend come online and she TP'd me for a brief visit before she had to leave and take care of some things. We did make plans to see each other later. To say that her presence uplifted me would be an understatement. She has a beautiful way of doing that to people making us feel important and special - another magical lesson I'm learning in helping others.

The moment that my new friend left, my angel, Cory, asked where I had flitted off to. I came back to Galaxy's party and thankfully the region was not full as the party was winding down with only around 15 people still there dancing and skating on Galaxy's ice rink. It was only then that I realized it was a Christmas theme party and almost everyone was wearing some form of festive Christmas attire. I had lagged too much earlier to see many of the people to realize this was a Christmas theme and I did not read the party flyer. Instead I was dressed for a typical Galaxy Girl party wearing a body art outfit.

I felt so out of place and quite embarrassed. Galaxy was her ever sweet self and gave me a hug. Afterwards, I quickly moved over to the large Winter Issue magazine still on display and continued reading it. I was off away from everyone skating and dancing in their Christmas attire. I was going to leave feeling self conscious and a bit silly with wearing only body art, but, I was away from the group and felt invisible.

It was then that I noticed in the local chat window in all caps "YES OF COURSE SHE'LL DO THAT GG" written by my angel Cory. Cory instantly IM'd me and told me I needed to respond to Galaxy's offer. I quickly read the local chat and realized that Galaxy had made a comment about my body art. I had a strong feeling that she sensed I felt out of place and embarrassed so she was kind enough to say something very nice about me openly to her friends. She came up with the idea that her next party would feature her newest oil painting and I would be the model for her next promotional flyer.

Galaxy said she would arrange the photoshoot with her photographer for either this same night or the next day. I felt so embarrassed, flattered and loved all in the same moment. I am so thankful that I did not miss out since my angel Cory answered on my behalf pulling me back to accept this wonderful opportunity. Angels sometimes grab you, shake you and make you take notice.

I was astonished by the tantalizing events that were beginning to instantly unfold. I cannot express the whiplash, wonderful as it was, that I felt from going from deep despair to a very high high in the course of only two days. I began to have doubts. Fear and uncertainty, my constant companions over the past few months bourn from stumbling in the dark woods of an unhealthy relationship began to crowd out my happiness. Was I pretending to be happy? Am I allowed to be happy? How could I be happy?

In that instant, my new friend came back online saving me from falling further into self doubt. She and I had a wonderful time exploring some beautiful places on SL. We took a balloon tour, got lost in a field of wildflowers up to our necks and talked and talked. I told her about the photoshoot and shared my nervousness about never having done one before. I asked her to please come with me when it happens and she said she would.

Well it happened. Galaxy TP'd me to join her photographer for the shoot. Thank goodness I had already talked to my friend about it as I did leave rather abruptly. I am smiling now at how comical she made it seem when I left suddenly.

I asked Galaxy if a friend could be with me for the photo shoot which of course she approved. I was so nervous and frightened. I did not have the confidence to do that by myself and I am so grateful that I had another angel with me holding my hand and giving me constant support all along the way during the photo shoot.

Galaxy was wonderful, kind and caring as was her excellent photographer. They made the experience quite beautiful and so very exciting. I will never ever forget that wonderful experience.

Well this has finally come to the end. I know this is a beginning for me and I also know that the pain and sadness is still deep and will be long lasting. I did crash and burn from the high of that evening and had a very sorrowful lonely day missing my ex in so many ways actually wanting to tell her about my fleeting happiness since we used to share everything together, but, I still am not able to find forgiveness and closure.

I need to keep sweeping things off my path towards happiness through helping others and keep my heart open to the angels in my life who have shown me love and direction.

I love them all so much and am grateful for teaching me how to see through my tears.

Wax Wings

I had a teacher who made me drop my walls

and open my heart and soul.

We touched Lust's fire as we flew too close to the sun.

We lost Love falling burned and smouldering back to the ground.

Neither one reaching out to the other to steady the fall;

wax wings laying useless at our sides.

* * *

Tie Your Heart at Night to Mine

Tie your heart at night to mine, love,
and both will defeat the darkness
like twin drums beating in the forest
against the heavy wall of wet leaves.

Night crossing: black coal of dream
that cuts the thread of earthly orbs
with the punctuality of a headlong train
that pulls cold stone and shadow endlessly.

Love, because of it, ties me to a purer movement,
to the grip on life that beats in your breast,
with the wings of a submerged swan,

So that our dream might reply
to the sky's questioning stars
with one key, one door closed to shadow.

- Neruda

The Brook

Shapelessly moving through the black cold lifeless void propelled forward with purpose, its aim, its destiny is to unite with the fertile gases flowing from life on the water planet. What once seemed to be a faint speck now sharpens and grows into a sphere of blue green and white; moving closer and closer bluer, larger, richer and deeper with vast beauty. It becomes breathtaking. Humbled by its beauty, the shapeless energy slows and opens in a longing embrace with the Earth’s atmosphere. Energy meets gas creating Beauty; lighting the spectrum of colors which race forward and instantly attach to all things; everything at once has color; its own color.

Heat and vapor form cumulus cottony white clouds swollen but held pinched by bluish shadow seams with flat dark bottoms dropping droplets down through the thin cold air falling, falling in rounded form; a product of energy and life feeding life, replenishing life. Falling downward with grace and beauty water and light moving ever closer to earth. Moving closer to the lofty heights of snow capped peaks. Moving closer to life and finally touching the tops of tall living trees.

Rays drift through the evergreen boughs lighting small rainbow sphere worlds in the hanging droplets held by scented green needles. Clear silver and swirled colors are pulled by the perpetual force, the needy force that takes all to its surface. Stretching and misshapen, the droplet clings in seeming desperation before finally giving in to the persistence. Falling with its once again rounded form, it splashes upon the gently moving surface of the forest brook which accepts the gift and flows steadily beneath the evergreens.

Lapping and licking along its banks the brook winds through the forest tasting the bland chalkiness of clay and the now faint flavor of stones worn smooth along its sides. Sometimes during the stronger rains it flows fuller reaching the rich black earth beneath the fresh grasses, fallen needles and the prickly but beautiful flowering weeds higher on the bank. At such times it savors the richness; sweet, strong, even with some bitterness. It takes the things it can from the bank side darkening as I flows fuller and faster. It has always flowed forward rolling side to side meandering around the rock outcroppings and the trees which form shadow bands on its back. Its underbelly slides comfortably over the familiar bed of soft stones rounded and shaped through time.

Eddies twirl endlessly from boulder tops gurgling and serving as stepping stones which connect a shadowed trail that stopped hesitantly, questioningly on one side of the brook before dotting a broken rhythm across the brook’s back to meet the path on the other side. Trodden worn and deep, exposed soft brook stones show as smooth half moons along the side of the soft needle strewn trail. The printed history of passing animals and lighted birds is molded and etched in the soft earth along the brook’s sides. All birds and animals passing this way bend in thirst bringing the brook with them forward into the forest far, far beyond its banks.

The brook flows forward, ever forward firmly yet peaceably. Then at first a gentle sloping then steeper suddenly rushing and roaring pressed white and whiter loudly squeezed between hard stone finally releasing and falling, falling, falling further breathlessly crashing, foaming with riotous rainbow mist into a dark deep river. Turning and twirling beneath the surface the brook struggles for form. Air streams rip white downward with bubbles glistening and racing upward colliding with the body continuously falling from above. Form dissipates and darkens; wider, deeper.

Finally yielding, it finds purpose, flowing forward, ever forward, becoming the river.

Drive-Thru

"Hi, can I help you?" I hear through the black box next to the large multicolored sign displaying huge pictures of high calorie and high fat breakfast offerings. The question comes from a woman wearing a headset microphone, her voice crackling through the bird spackled speaker. Gross. Don't these places clean these things when they are under a tree? ...and I'm ordering food...

Do I need help? I hesitate for a moment, perhaps noticeably longer, as I think about my continued feelings of hurt and loss. I can see the person with the headset rushing about filling a drink and scurrying together an order for the customer before me. She does not notice my hesitation and perhaps even welcomes the slight break in the constant barrage of the morning rush hour.

I snap out of it remembering my vow to try to avoid being emotional and heavy and choose a particularly fattening and delicious croissant loaded with egg, cheese and sausage. I want the happy taste in my mouth and against my tongue and the warm feeling in my stomach. I seem not to care that I probably just ordered something that will reach my entire day’s caloric limit and certainly point me in the direction of carrots and celery sticks for lunch. I hate the low fat ranch dressing I get at the cafeteria; the little tub of white yuckiness pre-wrapped under plastic sitting in the middle of a few cut veggies, sigh.

"And it’s only the seventh day into the New Year," I complain as I expertly push back this additional sense of failure. I’ve become quite skilled at sweeping these things under the rug. I tell myself that I will deal with this and its dusty comrades at some future time. “Go away now and wait your turn,” I command and the slight pang of guilt rapidly dissipates.

I pull up to the window. "How are you today?" I hear directly from the young woman with the headset as she looks down to take my money without a smile. I answer automatically, "Fine thank you. How are you?" She does not answer nor do I expect her to. "How am I today?" I think; another pointless question from her; or instead, have they both been quite meaningful?

How beautiful would our interactions be if we were to become truly caring human beings? If we just slowed everything down, way way down, and began to share love and genuine concern for each other. Wouldn’t our lives be truly different? Sadly I realize that I would need at least an hour to talk, to share and to discover how this other human being might possibly help me and how I might possibly help her and really only then would we have just begun. Taking the time to truly ask the meaningful questions and give kind and concerning discussion towards each other would be very nice indeed. In my opinion, it would be completely wonderful.

Alas, this is a silly fast food restaurant. The kind of help I need goes much deeper than a breakfast sandwich and a diet coke ordered through a box and passed through windows in a brown paper bag. More frightened than sad, I realize it is me who needs to face all those dusty feelings of failure which stand waiting patiently and which will wait forever in my soul until they are each faced and put to rest one after the other. How long can I fake happiness and continue to keep sweeping them under the rug? Not too much longer.

I eat the breakfast croissant in my car tasting the warm flavors and feeling just OK for a moment as I run late for class…