On Patience

I have heard these things of patience and believe them to be true, but I find it so hard to keep my feelings from galloping unbridled and wild eyed always overtaking any sense of calm reason and simple acceptance. I believe patience and acceptance are things as simple as taking a breath or blinking an eye or beating one heartbeat. These things we do not force, yet why am I always so impatient?

I know we should all hope and dream vividly with great energy, but in our actions, we must accept and receive, do not overreach, do not take, do not force, do not try too hard.

I know anything we might obtain through actions that are forced with great effort, might reluctantly yield, however their existence will be fleeting. Most often if not always, such actions repel that which we seek.

I know things that come to us, which are accepted as gifts, are always more beautiful and long lasting. This does not mean giving up but just the opposite. We must continue to dream our dreams with hope and desire which is the only way to bring such beautiful things into our lives. However, we must remain calm, balanced and receptive in all our actions.

I know receiving gifts is our precious right and accepting gifts with grace and confidence is our verdant hope.

I know we must be at peace and calmly accept situations that seem, in their moment to be counter to our greatest wishes. It is exactly in those times that, through our calm strength and confidence, we have the most power to draw what we desire towards us. We must let flow what must flow steadily forth in its own rhythm in its own time.

I know that if we remain patient, our dreams will unfold naturally and beautifully in the time of their choosing. When they are received and accepted, and we reflect on their timing, it will have simply been perfect.

I know I must believe this with all my heart and soul and it will be so.

I know too that I must become a gift to others learning to always give myself selflessly with confidence and love.

http://www.crystalinks.com/patience.html

An Irish Blessing

Pathway into the Woods

Pulling, twisting, turning wildly in panic, the beautiful woodland nymph tries franticaly to free herself. Seeing the young woman approach on the trail leading into the forest startled her, and in her urgency to flee, she seemed to have caught the hem of her skirt on a nearby thorn. Each struggling effort further pins the beautiful magical creature to the thicket. "Oh no!" she exclaims freezing suddenly. In her commotion, the young woman notices her. "Oh please, please, please" the nymph pleads to the heavens. "Please don't let her hurt me," her once beauitful glow now fallen and ashen. She sits motionless frozen in fear.

* * *
I've had so many new experiences these past several weeks. It seems that with the many different thoughts and feelings, each day passes as if a week. Time seems to stand still as I race foreward in a manic rush for understanding and change. "Ah, these things take time to develop and unfold but I cannot deny my feelings surging forth from sudden loss and emptiness.

I seem to have bounced far past any sense of a mid point in my yearning to connect again with someone and need to find some kind of hand hold and firm grip to steady and find my balance again. It's almost like my soul is pinging around aimlessly and I need to find some way of slowing it down and find control.

I can now understand all too clearly why everyone keeps their options open while in one relationship always keeping a fall back position with another person, just in case. Just in case of what? Of course in case the current relationship starts to fail. Woe be it to those, like me, who let themselves fall in love so completely with commitment; eyes and heart locked on one person - simply not looking for any other options. The breaking of my heart and shattering of my soul is equally complete when ripped and separated from the other and love is lost, lost forever with that one true commitment.

In the beginning of this loss, I lay motionless, shocked and stunned in misbelief and denial, laying broken and crumpled, cast aside like a piece of useless trash in the dark emptiness. I lay there for a long time simply trying to breathe curled with my face pressed in a pool of cold tears. All my thoughts dark and lonely consuming me with feelings of deep despair and self doubt. Selfishly probing my loss, I become addicted to the full feeling of pain and suffering. Slowly but surely, leagues of angels search frantically and find me through grace, and unbeknownest to me, busy themselves with the repair of my heart. Survival finally draws me to a sitting position. With eyes swollen shut, I wipe them, trying to see the beginnings of some kind of resolve emerge in the darkness.

Thoughts with a Friend

(Colors: by Nessy Shepherd)

Being with a dear friend and listening to a melancholy song...

“Do you think they write tunes like this to make us melt our minds and move us to feeling? Maybe the ones that write this are very lonely people, so they make music like this to break free for a moment and touch others.” She muses.

Perhaps they use their pain to reach their Art. Sadly pain touches Truth and how I wish to find a way to reach Truth and Art without pain…sigh, not many do.

We do not see many truly happy people making or creating Art. Sadly without pain there is no Truth in Art. That’s how we learn of the "tortured" artist. Asylums are filled with true artists. I think on this world, we need pain to reach Art but I believe there are other worlds, like our concept of Heaven, where Art is around us always.

In our earthly planes of reality, we can experience Art and how it gives something back to us. The musician was able to soothe her pain through her Art. So we touch Art through pain and then return to comfort from the Art. We cannot understand it but we can accept it as a natural part of ourselves.

Sadly many people never feel enough to feel pain. They do not open their hearts beyond the point of being vulnerable to be fully exposed and then when they are dealt a painful blow, they are protected. Sadly, or fortunately, they cannot truly see Art and understand its many meanings.

You and I go too deep my dear poet. We love too openly going beyond vulnerability so when we are hurt, we bleed and bleed. Our tears are blood and our hearts weep. And then, only when we understand the pain of everyone can we be touched by Art as it was intended to be received.

Ah, but Pain is so overrated a friend of mine reminds me. There is hope and I wish to believe in hope and choose to live with hope. All Art is not created through pain.

G... Great Passion can create Art.
R... Real Love can create Art.
A... Absolute and True Happiness can create Art.
C... Concentration and Playful Intelligence can create Art.
E... Energy and Inspiration from Art can create Art.

And above all, Heaven is available to us in this instant, now, has always been, and will always be. We simply need to choose to seek its beauty in all things.

Heros

Just some thoughts on the plane that went down in the Hudson River yesterday...everyone survived, all 155 aboard. Looking at everyone standing on the wing waiting to board to safety made me think of the moments just before. I wondered how I would have reacted in those same critical and very few minutes.

A dear friend just the day before used the beautiful analogy of a soft cushion of air gently holding a falling leaf during it's descent to rest safely along with others on the forest floor. How prescient that might have been. Such a beautiful image brought forth from poetry perhaps served in some way in the safety of that landing.

Of course it was the skill, care and extreme positive energies of the pilot that truly brought everyone down safely. I read today that the pilot life's focus has been on safety and his studies on how crews react in crisis. It was as if by plan he was the pilot, and by grace, safely landed the plane in a place where it was designed not to land.

The pilot and the crew are heros but so too are those aboard the plane that chose to keep their head and their hearts and not give in to panic.

Would I have taken the hand of the stranger next to me and given him or her a gentle squeeze and looked into their eyes and said with mine "It will be OK, we will make this OK" or would I have been gripped with fear, frozen and unable to think clearly? I truly do not know how I would have acted.

I believe there were many people aboard that plane who chose to stay calm, giving and helpful. These were people who knew this was perhaps their last chance to make a positive difference in the life of another. There were others who experienced their kindness, some perhaps not believing another, through grace, could remain calm and helpful but accepted it nevertheless.

Everyone, absolutely everyone, survived; and everyone is changed, changed forever.

Love Triangle

Love Triangle

Like a beautiful perfect shell found on the beach at low tide, we met by chance and discovered deep purpose in each other. I loved you for giving me hope through your kindess. Sigh, we are never truly alone and you found love in another while also nurturing your love for me. Our triangle stood for a while until it could no longer. Like piled and shaped sand on the beach, the tide rose, overwashing then pulling the form back into itself leaving little trace of it ever being there.

Saddened, I've continued on life's journey onward towards other experiences, other triangles intertwined and connected hoping Pain loses track of where I am. Perhaps I will recognize its familiar face as it gives me a friendly nod and allows me some forewarning before devouring me again.

Angels Among Us

Written Dec.15.2008
I need to write about my "Second Life" experience this past weekend and how special and important it was to me. The effort of writing helps me put a lid on my overwhelming emotions. I think this is because writing uses my mind, which although weakened and battle scarred, remains a fierce warrior always willing to push out selfish emotional pain as I try to make some sense of things.

Please know what I will share is a wonderful beautiful experience of growth and understanding bridging from pain and loss. However, before I can write about this understanding, I should poke the fresh ruins and rubble laying scattered about my heart to share the background of this. This will bring forth tears and sadness again which have become an unwelcomed but familiar presence to me these past few weeks and months.

I have never before experienced such deep sadness over the ending of a relationship as I have since 12/01/08 when it became clear and final. It has only been through reconnecting with my close friends and opening myself to discuss my pain with others that I've been able to see things in this hurt and sadness.

I've searched heartbreak on the internet over and over again and read many blogs and comments from others. I have come to accept there is no magic cure for this except the hard effort needed to keep going. Going? Going where? I imagine it is keeping on our life's journey towards some next experience which I have no choice but to accept. I accept that the only thing that will heal my heart is the passage of time. I am told to take one breath after another, blink one blink after the other, beat one heart beat after another.

Apparently time is the cure but it is also the painful medium of emptiness and complete loneliness. No other person can heal me and this frightens me. My heart feels broken open with a longing to connect to the heart that was ripped away from it. The true sadness is the knowledge that that other heart will never connect again, never again.

I have thought and prayed for a reason for this pain. Why do we go through it? Why does it hurt so deeply? My faith has always been a source of understanding and I accept that there is order and meaning that one day I will understand, when I'm ready.

I have been blessed with knowing a wonderful person. She has talked with me for hours selflessly listening to my selfish ramblings. I have really tried to listen and understand her teachings. She has helped me realize that there is a path through my darkness and loss; a way out of the woods back to beauty and love. The path is narrow and difficult but it can be walked only through the magic of helping others with true empathy selflessly.

In my life right now, this path is becoming clearer but it is still quite thin and covered with the strewn debris of my still selfish sense of personal loss. I have a beautiful clear belief and vision that my friend's personal path must be wide and clear as she walks arm in arm with many people leading them out of their woods towards hope, beauty and love. My gratitude for her friendship and gift of bringing me the knowledge that heart break opens my heart for greater capacity to love, understand, and help others is beyond my ability to communicate.

OK now all that being said, there is wonderful magic unfolding in my life experience if I keep on the path. (I was wondering when I would be able to finally get back to the whole point of this writing...)

Almost the instant that I was able to make the connection that through helping others I help myself, I met a wonderful caring guide and new friend. She was such a beautiful spirit who quickly gave her precious time and energy to me friending me early and touching my heart instantly.

The magic started to move into my life in the form of happy beautiful opportunities.

I have a dear friend, Galaxy Girl, who invited me to attend a party announcing the Winter issue of her Galaxy Girl magazine. Galaxy's parties are so fun and wonderful and I had planned to try to get out of my moping sadness and attend. As fate would have it, I did not get there in time to get on the sim as the region was full. I tried repeatedly and finally made it on.

The party was fun and vibrant. I danced and read the issue of the Galaxy Girl magazine on display. A nice person, Cory, began to speak with me since she saw me in the group chat earlier asking for the landmark. It was not until later did I realize how important this chance meeting with this person would become. Angels abound if we accept and notice them.

Happily I saw my new friend come online and she TP'd me for a brief visit before she had to leave and take care of some things. We did make plans to see each other later. To say that her presence uplifted me would be an understatement. She has a beautiful way of doing that to people making us feel important and special - another magical lesson I'm learning in helping others.

The moment that my new friend left, my angel, Cory, asked where I had flitted off to. I came back to Galaxy's party and thankfully the region was not full as the party was winding down with only around 15 people still there dancing and skating on Galaxy's ice rink. It was only then that I realized it was a Christmas theme party and almost everyone was wearing some form of festive Christmas attire. I had lagged too much earlier to see many of the people to realize this was a Christmas theme and I did not read the party flyer. Instead I was dressed for a typical Galaxy Girl party wearing a body art outfit.

I felt so out of place and quite embarrassed. Galaxy was her ever sweet self and gave me a hug. Afterwards, I quickly moved over to the large Winter Issue magazine still on display and continued reading it. I was off away from everyone skating and dancing in their Christmas attire. I was going to leave feeling self conscious and a bit silly with wearing only body art, but, I was away from the group and felt invisible.

It was then that I noticed in the local chat window in all caps "YES OF COURSE SHE'LL DO THAT GG" written by my angel Cory. Cory instantly IM'd me and told me I needed to respond to Galaxy's offer. I quickly read the local chat and realized that Galaxy had made a comment about my body art. I had a strong feeling that she sensed I felt out of place and embarrassed so she was kind enough to say something very nice about me openly to her friends. She came up with the idea that her next party would feature her newest oil painting and I would be the model for her next promotional flyer.

Galaxy said she would arrange the photoshoot with her photographer for either this same night or the next day. I felt so embarrassed, flattered and loved all in the same moment. I am so thankful that I did not miss out since my angel Cory answered on my behalf pulling me back to accept this wonderful opportunity. Angels sometimes grab you, shake you and make you take notice.

I was astonished by the tantalizing events that were beginning to instantly unfold. I cannot express the whiplash, wonderful as it was, that I felt from going from deep despair to a very high high in the course of only two days. I began to have doubts. Fear and uncertainty, my constant companions over the past few months bourn from stumbling in the dark woods of an unhealthy relationship began to crowd out my happiness. Was I pretending to be happy? Am I allowed to be happy? How could I be happy?

In that instant, my new friend came back online saving me from falling further into self doubt. She and I had a wonderful time exploring some beautiful places on SL. We took a balloon tour, got lost in a field of wildflowers up to our necks and talked and talked. I told her about the photoshoot and shared my nervousness about never having done one before. I asked her to please come with me when it happens and she said she would.

Well it happened. Galaxy TP'd me to join her photographer for the shoot. Thank goodness I had already talked to my friend about it as I did leave rather abruptly. I am smiling now at how comical she made it seem when I left suddenly.

I asked Galaxy if a friend could be with me for the photo shoot which of course she approved. I was so nervous and frightened. I did not have the confidence to do that by myself and I am so grateful that I had another angel with me holding my hand and giving me constant support all along the way during the photo shoot.

Galaxy was wonderful, kind and caring as was her excellent photographer. They made the experience quite beautiful and so very exciting. I will never ever forget that wonderful experience.

Well this has finally come to the end. I know this is a beginning for me and I also know that the pain and sadness is still deep and will be long lasting. I did crash and burn from the high of that evening and had a very sorrowful lonely day missing my ex in so many ways actually wanting to tell her about my fleeting happiness since we used to share everything together, but, I still am not able to find forgiveness and closure.

I need to keep sweeping things off my path towards happiness through helping others and keep my heart open to the angels in my life who have shown me love and direction.

I love them all so much and am grateful for teaching me how to see through my tears.

Wax Wings

I had a teacher who made me drop my walls

and open my heart and soul.

We touched Lust's fire as we flew too close to the sun.

We lost Love falling burned and smouldering back to the ground.

Neither one reaching out to the other to steady the fall;

wax wings laying useless at our sides.

* * *

Tie Your Heart at Night to Mine

Tie your heart at night to mine, love,
and both will defeat the darkness
like twin drums beating in the forest
against the heavy wall of wet leaves.

Night crossing: black coal of dream
that cuts the thread of earthly orbs
with the punctuality of a headlong train
that pulls cold stone and shadow endlessly.

Love, because of it, ties me to a purer movement,
to the grip on life that beats in your breast,
with the wings of a submerged swan,

So that our dream might reply
to the sky's questioning stars
with one key, one door closed to shadow.

- Neruda

The Brook

Shapelessly moving through the black cold lifeless void propelled forward with purpose, its aim, its destiny is to unite with the fertile gases flowing from life on the water planet. What once seemed to be a faint speck now sharpens and grows into a sphere of blue green and white; moving closer and closer bluer, larger, richer and deeper with vast beauty. It becomes breathtaking. Humbled by its beauty, the shapeless energy slows and opens in a longing embrace with the Earth’s atmosphere. Energy meets gas creating Beauty; lighting the spectrum of colors which race forward and instantly attach to all things; everything at once has color; its own color.

Heat and vapor form cumulus cottony white clouds swollen but held pinched by bluish shadow seams with flat dark bottoms dropping droplets down through the thin cold air falling, falling in rounded form; a product of energy and life feeding life, replenishing life. Falling downward with grace and beauty water and light moving ever closer to earth. Moving closer to the lofty heights of snow capped peaks. Moving closer to life and finally touching the tops of tall living trees.

Rays drift through the evergreen boughs lighting small rainbow sphere worlds in the hanging droplets held by scented green needles. Clear silver and swirled colors are pulled by the perpetual force, the needy force that takes all to its surface. Stretching and misshapen, the droplet clings in seeming desperation before finally giving in to the persistence. Falling with its once again rounded form, it splashes upon the gently moving surface of the forest brook which accepts the gift and flows steadily beneath the evergreens.

Lapping and licking along its banks the brook winds through the forest tasting the bland chalkiness of clay and the now faint flavor of stones worn smooth along its sides. Sometimes during the stronger rains it flows fuller reaching the rich black earth beneath the fresh grasses, fallen needles and the prickly but beautiful flowering weeds higher on the bank. At such times it savors the richness; sweet, strong, even with some bitterness. It takes the things it can from the bank side darkening as I flows fuller and faster. It has always flowed forward rolling side to side meandering around the rock outcroppings and the trees which form shadow bands on its back. Its underbelly slides comfortably over the familiar bed of soft stones rounded and shaped through time.

Eddies twirl endlessly from boulder tops gurgling and serving as stepping stones which connect a shadowed trail that stopped hesitantly, questioningly on one side of the brook before dotting a broken rhythm across the brook’s back to meet the path on the other side. Trodden worn and deep, exposed soft brook stones show as smooth half moons along the side of the soft needle strewn trail. The printed history of passing animals and lighted birds is molded and etched in the soft earth along the brook’s sides. All birds and animals passing this way bend in thirst bringing the brook with them forward into the forest far, far beyond its banks.

The brook flows forward, ever forward firmly yet peaceably. Then at first a gentle sloping then steeper suddenly rushing and roaring pressed white and whiter loudly squeezed between hard stone finally releasing and falling, falling, falling further breathlessly crashing, foaming with riotous rainbow mist into a dark deep river. Turning and twirling beneath the surface the brook struggles for form. Air streams rip white downward with bubbles glistening and racing upward colliding with the body continuously falling from above. Form dissipates and darkens; wider, deeper.

Finally yielding, it finds purpose, flowing forward, ever forward, becoming the river.

Drive-Thru

"Hi, can I help you?" I hear through the black box next to the large multicolored sign displaying huge pictures of high calorie and high fat breakfast offerings. The question comes from a woman wearing a headset microphone, her voice crackling through the bird spackled speaker. Gross. Don't these places clean these things when they are under a tree? ...and I'm ordering food...

Do I need help? I hesitate for a moment, perhaps noticeably longer, as I think about my continued feelings of hurt and loss. I can see the person with the headset rushing about filling a drink and scurrying together an order for the customer before me. She does not notice my hesitation and perhaps even welcomes the slight break in the constant barrage of the morning rush hour.

I snap out of it remembering my vow to try to avoid being emotional and heavy and choose a particularly fattening and delicious croissant loaded with egg, cheese and sausage. I want the happy taste in my mouth and against my tongue and the warm feeling in my stomach. I seem not to care that I probably just ordered something that will reach my entire day’s caloric limit and certainly point me in the direction of carrots and celery sticks for lunch. I hate the low fat ranch dressing I get at the cafeteria; the little tub of white yuckiness pre-wrapped under plastic sitting in the middle of a few cut veggies, sigh.

"And it’s only the seventh day into the New Year," I complain as I expertly push back this additional sense of failure. I’ve become quite skilled at sweeping these things under the rug. I tell myself that I will deal with this and its dusty comrades at some future time. “Go away now and wait your turn,” I command and the slight pang of guilt rapidly dissipates.

I pull up to the window. "How are you today?" I hear directly from the young woman with the headset as she looks down to take my money without a smile. I answer automatically, "Fine thank you. How are you?" She does not answer nor do I expect her to. "How am I today?" I think; another pointless question from her; or instead, have they both been quite meaningful?

How beautiful would our interactions be if we were to become truly caring human beings? If we just slowed everything down, way way down, and began to share love and genuine concern for each other. Wouldn’t our lives be truly different? Sadly I realize that I would need at least an hour to talk, to share and to discover how this other human being might possibly help me and how I might possibly help her and really only then would we have just begun. Taking the time to truly ask the meaningful questions and give kind and concerning discussion towards each other would be very nice indeed. In my opinion, it would be completely wonderful.

Alas, this is a silly fast food restaurant. The kind of help I need goes much deeper than a breakfast sandwich and a diet coke ordered through a box and passed through windows in a brown paper bag. More frightened than sad, I realize it is me who needs to face all those dusty feelings of failure which stand waiting patiently and which will wait forever in my soul until they are each faced and put to rest one after the other. How long can I fake happiness and continue to keep sweeping them under the rug? Not too much longer.

I eat the breakfast croissant in my car tasting the warm flavors and feeling just OK for a moment as I run late for class…