Lighten Up and Move On

The gift of apathy is to become numb,
to release hope,
just laying there breathing with life diminished,
not caring anymore,
closing my stinging eyes,
closing that place in my heart you once owned and
finally sleep without dreams

I cannot help but feel the martyr, selfishly feeling sorry for myself in another realization of loss. Again I feel as if I've been sacrificed as an offering of commitment for another. It's a stupid feeling, very immature, very self-important and oh so very selfish. Why is it always about me? When will I learn truly to live for others?

Strangely, it seems I've been on the crumbling side of a string of triangles. I want to be curious about this rather than sad. Oh, sadness is there and slowly seeps forth if I let it but I am so tired and bored with all that - it has gone on long enough.

Life is and will always be full of triangles, some I've seen can be quite complex and entangled. Triangles form as we build new relationships. New friends have old friends. Old friends sometimes are current friends, sometimes old friends have moved on. This really is all so simple to understand yet as time and familiarity unfold, things can become complex as feelings emerge.

In the beginning of these new relationships, knowlege and understanding of each other is shallow and weak. Communication is guarded at best. Hearts are closed and cautious. Perhaps half truths are shared, but there is much withheld. There is a lack of trust. With hope, patience, effort and commitment, relationships can grow. Sometimes they don't and they become brittle and break.

What is the lesson here for me? How can I find some way to understand and accept that there will be others who choose different directions that they, in their hearts, believe to be best for them? Acceptance and growth or even just simple acceptance is what I need to learn.

Yes these things can hurt my feeling of self worth. Yes it can make me wonder what is wrong with me. Do I hope for too much? Do I have too many expectations? Am I trying to force things and in that find that I am repelling what I most desire? Is it simply not supposed to be? Is this karma for things I have done in my own triangles and in my own choices? Or am I simply in training to steel my heart?

I do not know the answers to these things - it's just Life; deal with it. Lighten up and move on.

Perhaps these are indeed lessons for me to continue to live with my heart wide open, for me to learn to accept with my love continuing for others, to accept what they believe in their own hearts to be best for them and truly support them in all their choices even if that choice no longer includes me.

I do not want to steel my heart. I do not want to close it to those I love. But this can be so very hard.

Lightening-up and moving on...