Angels Among Us

Written Dec.15.2008
I need to write about my "Second Life" experience this past weekend and how special and important it was to me. The effort of writing helps me put a lid on my overwhelming emotions. I think this is because writing uses my mind, which although weakened and battle scarred, remains a fierce warrior always willing to push out selfish emotional pain as I try to make some sense of things.

Please know what I will share is a wonderful beautiful experience of growth and understanding bridging from pain and loss. However, before I can write about this understanding, I should poke the fresh ruins and rubble laying scattered about my heart to share the background of this. This will bring forth tears and sadness again which have become an unwelcomed but familiar presence to me these past few weeks and months.

I have never before experienced such deep sadness over the ending of a relationship as I have since 12/01/08 when it became clear and final. It has only been through reconnecting with my close friends and opening myself to discuss my pain with others that I've been able to see things in this hurt and sadness.

I've searched heartbreak on the internet over and over again and read many blogs and comments from others. I have come to accept there is no magic cure for this except the hard effort needed to keep going. Going? Going where? I imagine it is keeping on our life's journey towards some next experience which I have no choice but to accept. I accept that the only thing that will heal my heart is the passage of time. I am told to take one breath after another, blink one blink after the other, beat one heart beat after another.

Apparently time is the cure but it is also the painful medium of emptiness and complete loneliness. No other person can heal me and this frightens me. My heart feels broken open with a longing to connect to the heart that was ripped away from it. The true sadness is the knowledge that that other heart will never connect again, never again.

I have thought and prayed for a reason for this pain. Why do we go through it? Why does it hurt so deeply? My faith has always been a source of understanding and I accept that there is order and meaning that one day I will understand, when I'm ready.

I have been blessed with knowing a wonderful person. She has talked with me for hours selflessly listening to my selfish ramblings. I have really tried to listen and understand her teachings. She has helped me realize that there is a path through my darkness and loss; a way out of the woods back to beauty and love. The path is narrow and difficult but it can be walked only through the magic of helping others with true empathy selflessly.

In my life right now, this path is becoming clearer but it is still quite thin and covered with the strewn debris of my still selfish sense of personal loss. I have a beautiful clear belief and vision that my friend's personal path must be wide and clear as she walks arm in arm with many people leading them out of their woods towards hope, beauty and love. My gratitude for her friendship and gift of bringing me the knowledge that heart break opens my heart for greater capacity to love, understand, and help others is beyond my ability to communicate.

OK now all that being said, there is wonderful magic unfolding in my life experience if I keep on the path. (I was wondering when I would be able to finally get back to the whole point of this writing...)

Almost the instant that I was able to make the connection that through helping others I help myself, I met a wonderful caring guide and new friend. She was such a beautiful spirit who quickly gave her precious time and energy to me friending me early and touching my heart instantly.

The magic started to move into my life in the form of happy beautiful opportunities.

I have a dear friend, Galaxy Girl, who invited me to attend a party announcing the Winter issue of her Galaxy Girl magazine. Galaxy's parties are so fun and wonderful and I had planned to try to get out of my moping sadness and attend. As fate would have it, I did not get there in time to get on the sim as the region was full. I tried repeatedly and finally made it on.

The party was fun and vibrant. I danced and read the issue of the Galaxy Girl magazine on display. A nice person, Cory, began to speak with me since she saw me in the group chat earlier asking for the landmark. It was not until later did I realize how important this chance meeting with this person would become. Angels abound if we accept and notice them.

Happily I saw my new friend come online and she TP'd me for a brief visit before she had to leave and take care of some things. We did make plans to see each other later. To say that her presence uplifted me would be an understatement. She has a beautiful way of doing that to people making us feel important and special - another magical lesson I'm learning in helping others.

The moment that my new friend left, my angel, Cory, asked where I had flitted off to. I came back to Galaxy's party and thankfully the region was not full as the party was winding down with only around 15 people still there dancing and skating on Galaxy's ice rink. It was only then that I realized it was a Christmas theme party and almost everyone was wearing some form of festive Christmas attire. I had lagged too much earlier to see many of the people to realize this was a Christmas theme and I did not read the party flyer. Instead I was dressed for a typical Galaxy Girl party wearing a body art outfit.

I felt so out of place and quite embarrassed. Galaxy was her ever sweet self and gave me a hug. Afterwards, I quickly moved over to the large Winter Issue magazine still on display and continued reading it. I was off away from everyone skating and dancing in their Christmas attire. I was going to leave feeling self conscious and a bit silly with wearing only body art, but, I was away from the group and felt invisible.

It was then that I noticed in the local chat window in all caps "YES OF COURSE SHE'LL DO THAT GG" written by my angel Cory. Cory instantly IM'd me and told me I needed to respond to Galaxy's offer. I quickly read the local chat and realized that Galaxy had made a comment about my body art. I had a strong feeling that she sensed I felt out of place and embarrassed so she was kind enough to say something very nice about me openly to her friends. She came up with the idea that her next party would feature her newest oil painting and I would be the model for her next promotional flyer.

Galaxy said she would arrange the photoshoot with her photographer for either this same night or the next day. I felt so embarrassed, flattered and loved all in the same moment. I am so thankful that I did not miss out since my angel Cory answered on my behalf pulling me back to accept this wonderful opportunity. Angels sometimes grab you, shake you and make you take notice.

I was astonished by the tantalizing events that were beginning to instantly unfold. I cannot express the whiplash, wonderful as it was, that I felt from going from deep despair to a very high high in the course of only two days. I began to have doubts. Fear and uncertainty, my constant companions over the past few months bourn from stumbling in the dark woods of an unhealthy relationship began to crowd out my happiness. Was I pretending to be happy? Am I allowed to be happy? How could I be happy?

In that instant, my new friend came back online saving me from falling further into self doubt. She and I had a wonderful time exploring some beautiful places on SL. We took a balloon tour, got lost in a field of wildflowers up to our necks and talked and talked. I told her about the photoshoot and shared my nervousness about never having done one before. I asked her to please come with me when it happens and she said she would.

Well it happened. Galaxy TP'd me to join her photographer for the shoot. Thank goodness I had already talked to my friend about it as I did leave rather abruptly. I am smiling now at how comical she made it seem when I left suddenly.

I asked Galaxy if a friend could be with me for the photo shoot which of course she approved. I was so nervous and frightened. I did not have the confidence to do that by myself and I am so grateful that I had another angel with me holding my hand and giving me constant support all along the way during the photo shoot.

Galaxy was wonderful, kind and caring as was her excellent photographer. They made the experience quite beautiful and so very exciting. I will never ever forget that wonderful experience.

Well this has finally come to the end. I know this is a beginning for me and I also know that the pain and sadness is still deep and will be long lasting. I did crash and burn from the high of that evening and had a very sorrowful lonely day missing my ex in so many ways actually wanting to tell her about my fleeting happiness since we used to share everything together, but, I still am not able to find forgiveness and closure.

I need to keep sweeping things off my path towards happiness through helping others and keep my heart open to the angels in my life who have shown me love and direction.

I love them all so much and am grateful for teaching me how to see through my tears.